I don't do confrontation well and I don't stand up for myself.
I'll avoid making a scene or getting into arguments at all costs. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out. And when it doesn't, I sit and simmer and ponder and think about the whole thing. The things I wish I'd said. The possible scenarios-- how things could have played out. What would've happened if I'd done/said X. How I feel I'd have to watch my back if I did stand up.
Our society seems to thrive on conflict. Not constructive conflict that makes our world a better place, but silly, meaningless Jerry Springer-type stuff. I don't even do conflict on TV well. Conflict scenes in shows or movies? Can't do 'em. I guess I put myself in the position of the oppressed. Perhaps it has something to do with being in that position many times in the past.
Spending time dwelling on negative things is not healthy. I tense up and my temples tighten and I'm sure my blood pressure spikes. Not to mention the positive things or productive things or 'advance the ball' things I need to be focusing on. The negatives are all I can think about.
It's part of the ride-- you spend time around people and there will be differences. I understand that. It's the dealing I have trouble with. Even with things that happened 25 years ago. Even with something as small and trivial as what's in my head tonight.
So in the absence of coherent and organized thoughts, maybe getting this out in the open will be a catharsis somehow and help me figure things out.
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