Pushing and Pulling

In the last six months, I've started a new life for myself and for my wife Ann. There has been some angst inside of me as to what I want to do with myself and what I should become.

It ties in directly to the 'change' factor, and how poorly I respond to change, even if it's something I know I need. I don't really want to change, since it kind of feels like 'selling myself out,' like who I was before was wrong somehow. Or feeling like I'm doing something because others want me to do it. That's not the reason to do things, I know, but for me, it's there.

I know these are things I need to do, that people shouldn't just stop growing and trying to get better and learn new things. Being single and spending a lot of time alone, I didn't feel a need to expand my horizons and learn more. I had a job and could support myself-- life is good, right?

But I was also a bit of a closed person before. I played video games a lot and did things that didn't really challenge me. I wasn't learning or trying to become a better man. And I didn't like having things pointed out to me that I liked doing and were safe and kept me from getting hurt(ie video games) but kept me from moving forward.

It's something my marriage is teaching me. So much more is different now from before. New town, new people, no job, no contacts and having to learn my way around. I'm having to basically reinvent myself, and evaluate whether what I was doing (radio play by play, which I loved) is a good thing long-term, since I have a wife and our futures to think about. But I also think that a lot of people would love to stop and change direction midstream.

So is radio pbp my future? Don't know. And if it's not, what direction do I choose? And will I be happy doing it? What will be my reaction to the change? Can I do my part to support us? Who knows.

But I do have a sense of urgency now that I didn't have before. I have to get off my butt and advance the ball, give effort and press on and stay positive.

In the news... the Chiefs still suck rocks and looking to put up my first married person Christmas tree tonight. And I've not gone for a run in two weeks. Calf trouble, just like last year at this time.